I have worked very hard over the years to let go, unpack, purge, forgive, face and deal with a Crap load of internal baggage. It’s taken therapy (inpatient and out), writing, prayer, a brutally honest compassionate husband and over 30+ years of really flipping hard honesty with myself. Believe me I could have, and wanted to often, given up but I couldn’t go back only forward.
Over this past year I have put on the mask of a brave, loving, selfless daughter in law. Willing to put her life on hold (years if necessary) to move in with her mother in law and become a 24/7 caregiver. This meant giving away most of my 53 years of possessions. My own home, vehicles, furniture, books, plants, home decor items, kitchen stuff, the state we called home for 15 years, our church there, our jobs (income), insurance, stability, one of our dogs (thank God our daughter has him) and really everything that a middle-aged couple has including privacy.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my mother in law and always have. She is an amazing woman and from the moment we met we became more than just friends or in-laws. She and my father in law have always been my second parents and dear friends. There was no hesitation what so ever to make this life changing decision and I would do it again and again but with one exception. I needed to keep the “Stinkin thinkin” from cluttering up my head.
Old habits and mindsets are always lurking in the shadows. Waiting for the chance to get you in their clutches once again.
Over this past year unaware, because my focus was not clear, those “serendipitous organization of mind, body and soul” thieves were slowly sneaking into my mind. My self conscious was hiding this with food, shopping, physical clutter and people pleasing. When my health started to rapidly decline, I gained 75 pounds in less than a year. My breathing was laborious, chest was hurting, my legs, knees, hips and spine were extremely painful. I was eating pain meds like candy. I knew I had to get healthy because my husband and mom need me. So in May 2015 diet and exercise started. As my eating habits and physical health improved the Crap in my head started getting louder. I could feel the anger, resentment, self pity and oh so much “stinkin” crappy self talk filling every spot that it could.
The exterior clutter that was building, mail, clothing, books and other clutter piles kept growing. So I joined this clutter breakthrough group to help clean that up as well as I was cleaning up my physical health. What is most important to me is that I caught a tremendous backslide of emotional clutter at the early stages.
This group with it’s exercises and insights have slapped me awake again, putting me back on track. It helped me remember that feelings and thoughts just are. It’s how you choose to deal with and digest them that counts. If you keep piling them up inside eventually they spill out and affect your outside world. Eventually taking over and swallowing you up. I’m thinking clearer, my creativity is back, I’m taking time to recharge (even if I just sit alone for 5 minutes, clear my mind and breath). I’m journaling my frustrations instead of keeping them bottled by hiding ever growing piles of internal and external clutter.
I want to continue to improve the quality and appreciation of/for myself. I know life will give me hurdles, it always has, but if I was able to deal with and overcome them before, I can continue with whatever the future throws at me.
I am strong, I am intelligent, I am valuable, I am beautiful, I am enough and I can overcome anything especially if it’s my own inner demon.