Why

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While chatting with a friend recently, I mentioned I was participating in a 10 day decluttering exercise. So we both did some soul, mind and memory cleaning, maintenance and decluttering. Of course, as usual, the conversation turned to my writing a memoir. This seems to be a curiosity to many friends and family. Anyway she asked if I am writing it as therapy, sensationalism, shock value, revenge or what my actual reason is.

My storytelling and writing started as a child and developed through the years. That however is not the writing she was referring to, it was the personal dirt. I write that because if by airing my dirty laundry I can help just one person on this earth realize that nothing is so bad that they can’t overcome it and learn something from it. That’s when I will know I have accomplished one of the things I was put on this earth to do. I do things and react to things learn from things so I can teach others and hold them close enough to say I overcame that so can you, never quit never give up.

I given this “Why am I and why do I” question some thought and searched inside myself. I really believe the reason I am here on planet earth in this lifetime is to get it right this time.

This probably sounds out there to some, but remember feelings and beliefs are personal and unique. My belief is in a higher power we are all connected to. All a single lifeline feeding to and from a single life force, a higher power, God or whatever you choose to name it. I feel this world we call earth is where we are reborn to live, die and repeat until our individual soul, lifeline, is ready for the next level of existence.

With that being said I think I am here also to learn how to love and respect myself as much as I do others. Not to be selfish or conceited but to take the people pleaser self-sacrificing behavior and use a little for myself. I have always felt an uncontrollable need to give my everything, down to a draining point, to anyone I thought needed it more. This goes back to early childhood and at times has caused me great physical, mental and emotional harm. Until a very few years ago putting myself first was never ever an option for me. So after much thought I think I am here to learn to love, appreciate, put my soul first (not in a selfish way) and to help guide others to learn their path. In the process to turn any and all experiences be it good bad or indifferent (past, present and future) into a life lesson for positivity and possibility.

Question….What do I think my mission and gifts are and have I been sharing them with the world or not?
I guess my mission is basically to love myself as much as I do others and teach as many fellow humans as I can the same even if only by example. My gifts are my willingness to be friendly and strike up conversations with anyone. I always try to find common ground to connect with people. I trust until you prove I should not. I have the gift of storytelling and humour. As for sharing them with the world, here lies my hurdle. I think too often I share so much with the world there is nothing left for me. I have developed a pattern of hiding my feelings and needs within, focusing on people pleasing and others happiness or needs is less effort.
Don’t get me wrong I have not always stayed true to this pattern. There have been moments of this lifetime that I have pushed everyone away and tried to be completely the opposite. Doing only for me “because I deserved it”. This is even more self-destructive. There is a perfect balance of the two extremes and I’m just going to keep coming back to this earth until I get my balance right and go on to reach my next level of existence.

Yes it is very hard to remember to give yourself time when you have so many others you think should come first. I try to remember the analogy of being in an airplane and the flight attendant says if you have a child with you to take oxygen yourself first because if you pass out your child is helpless.
So basically if we don’t help ourselves, keep us healthy and happy how can we expect to do our best for others? At the same time if we use too much for ourselves we have nothing for others. Again it is balance just pure simple natures balance.

So why do I write? It’s my key to get it right this time and move on to my next existence.